Internal dialogue was something Rob brought up earlier and I wanted to address it in depth because I think it’s important.

Let’s start at the basics:

What is an Internal Dialogue?

So, I don’t want to belabor the point, but basically your internal dialogue is how you talk to yourself about (and by extension how you think about) your goals and your journey towards completing them.  Basically, are you generally positive/supportive when you think about your journey, are you negative/insulting, or do you lie somewhere in between?

Why Does it Matter?

Your internal dialogue may well determine if you are successful with the changes you want to make to your life.  Why?

Well, as much as I hate to say it, Dr. Phil was right.  About 6 years ago, I had a Dr. Phil calendar that had one weight loss tip per day.  And one of the tips was basically that if you beat yourself up about your weight, you going to stop trying to change it.  Why?  The whole weight loss process becomes so negative that you want to remove yourself from it. 

The problem is, I see overly negative internal dialogues all the time when I talk to people about losing weight.  Some people very close to me get on the scale every day even though they know their weight fluxuates.  Still, if their weight goes up, they freak out and start individually lamenting each dish they ate which might have caused them to put on weight.  It’s sad because they’re hurting emotionally themselves when all they did was gain half a pound.

I’ve seen the same for other goals.  I have friends who see every misstep as a major failure and that is met with wailing and gnashing of teeth.  The human psyche can only take so much beating before it will give up and you will end up abandoning your goals.  (Not good.)

On the hand Dr. (well, not really Dr.) Perrin also thinks that there is a danger in being overly positive.  There is a point where you can be so upbeat that you ignore the obvious problems.  In my experience, this is a far less common issue, but it does happen and can lead people into believing that everything is fine and that their missteps aren’t really missteps, they’re blips or one-time issues and they’ll “do better tomorow.”

The Right Internal Dialogue

So, somewhere between happy-happy-joy-joy and I-am-a-total-loser is where I believe the  proper internal dialogue lies.  I guess I would call it “firm, but fair.”

I danced around this issue some when I was talking about Self-Assessment when I said that I had to be honest with myself and list everything that I wanted to change and that I couldn’t flinch or ignore my faults.  I also said that I had to forgive myself at the end of that assessment and realize that I was basically a good person even if I had things I wanted to change.  I was firm with myself, but at the same time I didn’t overaccentuate the negative and I was generally positive about my potential to achieve my goals and stick with it.

Let’s look at another example.  Person A (who is a guy since I’m a guy) wants to lose weight, but for whatever reason decides to have a really extravagant meal.  (I’m jonsing for Mexican, so let’s use that as an example.)  Person A has a margarita, all the chips he wants, cheese dip, a chimicanga with beef and cheese sauce, and fried ice cream for dessert.  (Told you, I am jonsing for Mexican.)  Let’s also assume that this happens outside of the rules of his diet that he set.  (In other words, it’s not his bad meal.)

So, someone with a negative internal dialogue thinks: “I am such a loser.  Why the [bleep] did I do that?  Why can’t I lose weight?  I’m such a bad person.”  A person with a positive internal dialogue might think the opposite: “Eh, it’s okay.  It’s not a problem because it’s just one meal.  I’ll do better next time.”

Neither of these viewpoints are right, in my opinion.  First, Person A is not a loser.  Nor is Person A a bad person.  In the grand scheme of things, that meal hasn’t sealed his fate.  He can still hit the gym and work the meal off.  It’ll be okay.  On the other hand, to dismiss that it happened with a simple shrug isn’t so great either because he did do something which is counter to his goals. 

My prefered internal dialogue is to think of this as a (here it comes) a teachable moment.  Every misstep is a chance to get better.  When I give in to overeating like Person A, what I try to do is pause and understand the conditions which drove me to eat that meal.  I know I’m an emotional eater and when I emotionally eat, I try to find out the conditions which stressed me out and recognize them.  I may not be able to keep them from happening again, but hopefully I can sense that they are happening and try to channel the stress towards something other than eating.

I hope that makes sense and I don’t sound like a jerk.  I just don’t want you to beat yourself up and when the missteps happen (and they will) I want you to take them just seriously enough that you eventually learn not to make them again.  That’s all anyone can ask.

Celebrate Good Times

Point of order!  No matter your internal dialogue, don’t forget to celebrate.  In fact, celebrate like we celebrate my son’s accomplishments.  What does that mean?

My son can spell one word: his name and he’s done it like 500 times.  Still, we want him to learn to read and write so ever ytime he spells his name, we party like it’s 1999.

Do that.  Feel free to overcelebrate.  Today, when I didn’t cram down the BBQ and fries when I wanted to, I told Twitter.  I wanted those accolades because I did something big and I deserved it.

You do the same.  That’s an order!